As I write this post, I am in the middle of an all-day liquid diet. Don’t worry, I’m not trying a new fad or fitspo trend. It’s because I am having a colonoscopy tomorrow.
It’s a conflicting place be. I am recovering from an eating disorder, yet I am not allowed to eat today. In the words of Alanis Morisette, isn’t it ironic?
Rather than view this as an obstacle, however, I’m looking at today as an opportunity to realize just how far I’ve come.
My stomach is screaming right now. It feels like someone has a vice around my belly as the hunger pains quake through my body. These are the same hunger pains I once saw as a sign of victory. I used to welcome them. Rather than listen to hunger pains as a queue to eat, I’d ignore my body’s calls for sustenance. I thought it gave me control, strength, and worth.
Then recovery began.
I sit here right now feeling these hunger pains and am shocked that I could once ignore them. My mindset has changed. I can’t pinpoint the moment everything changed, but through trusting the process I now find myself fighting back the urge to run to the kitchen and get a snack.
Wait, did I just say that?
For months now, my response to hunger pains has been different. Rather than sit there at 3 pm starving before my next meal, I’ll go ahead and grab a snack. Heck, I even eat a big snack right before bed now so I don’t wake up hungry in the middle of the night. Screw that whole don’t eat after 6 pm rule I used to adhere to.
Yet I didn’t fully realize how much has changed until today’s opportunity. Eating disorder recovery is a tricky process. I’m not just talking about the frustrations of feeling like you’re recovered only to feel overwhelmed again the next day. I’m talking about the fact that we often lose sight of just how far we’ve come.
That’s why I’m not going to sit around and wait for the next challenge to remind me of my victories. Moving forward I promise to take a few moments each day and celebrate where I am, even if it isn’t where I want to be quite yet. And as I do so, I’m going to have a snack because hunger pains are no longer welcome here!